Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
