i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
