Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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