There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
