Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
