If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
