You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
did i just pee glitter
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
