I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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