The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
