Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
