So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
