I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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