: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
