Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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