I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
