The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
