no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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