I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
i need some magic done to my vagina
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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