a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
