when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
