There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
