So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
