in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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