Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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