If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
