my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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