he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
