do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
