Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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