the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
