I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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