her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
