I wish I could punch you in the face.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Randomize
