No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
