the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize