i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
