Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
