Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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