Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
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She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
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He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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