I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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