Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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