God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize