He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
