ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Randomize
