walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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