So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
