dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
