Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
