I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
