true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
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