Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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