Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I could fuck to npr.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
