im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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