Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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