I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
