This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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