Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize