I heard we made out
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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