I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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