My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
