respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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