Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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